Don’t Let Money Bankrupt Your Relationship
Cathy Svedka | December 17, 2009I like to consider myself a fairly independent person. Do I want my manfriend to make me soup when I’m gross-flu-death girl? Definitely. Do I want him to pay my rent for me? Certainly not.
That said, I’ve also found myself in a relationship where we ended up having joint finances before we even sat down to think about it. He had lost his job and it just seemed like the loving and logical thing to help him out until he found something else. Other times couples go through the “you pay for this and I’ll pay you back” so often that the balance sheet becomes a bit blurry. And before you know it you’re sharing a bank account.
That’s not always a bad thing; if you’re one of those blessedly blissful couples who are so communally minded that you never have to deal with issues like entitlement, mistrust or codependence. But most of us are human. If you want your relationship to survive your financial issues, it’s important to follow rules of financial harmony.
Take stock of your spending
There are lots of ways to spend your money, and we often do so without really understanding where the money goes. Start by having each of you make a list. Do this separately. Include all your regular expenses like rent or mortgage payments, heat, hydro, your car, and insurance premiums.
You should also include what you think you spend every month on shopping and going out. If there are large ticket items that you want to buy, like a new mountain bike, or season’s tickets for baseball, include them too.
Make it a routine conversation
Because talking about money can be incredibly stressful a lot of couples simply avoid talking about it altogether. This is akin to burying your head in the sand; the more you avoid the subject, the more of a sore point it will become. So both of you; get over it.
Frequent conversations about money will put the subject in the realm of a common topic instead of something you dread to bring up. And common topics of conversation are rarely filled with worry and pressure.
Go over lists together
When you’ve made the decision to set up housekeeping together you need to go over the list of expenses you each made. Decide which ones are joint expenses (that would be things like rent and utilities) and which ones are individual, or personal, expenses (shoes and clothing). It’s more difficult than it sounds and some of the expenses on each of your lists will bear discussing. Is his beer club membership a shared expense, or a personal one?
Make a fresh start
With a new joint bank account. This is the place from which you’ll pay the expenses you decided were group-oriented, and where you can save up for things you both want, like that trip to Peru. Even in the most financially interwoven relationships, each person should absolutely keep his or her own bank account, whether for shopping, buying your sweetie presents, donating to charities that he doesn’t give a darn about, or hitting the road if things don’t work out.
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